A Mother's Love.

A blog about the love I have in my heart for my two daughters and the desire I have to add to my family again. Lilly Anna here with me on Earth born October 27, 2006 and Daisy Arabella whom I lost to Trisomy 13 or 18 when she was stillborn at 36 weeks and 3 days on January 26, 2009.

Friday, January 29, 2010

The next step in trying to conceive.

So, I went to see my obgyn this morning, because my cycles are no where near being normal after 6 months of trying. I have let go of the "plan" to be pregnant before Daisy's 1st birthday as that has already passed. Now I just want to be expecting again as soon as my body is possibly ready. I was in such a hurry a few months back for it. I honestly didn't think it would take us long at all to conceive. In my mind 3 months top and I'd have a baby on the way. I seem much more patient with the process now that the anniversary is over. I guess that was my goal and I wanted it so badly. I was disappointed when it didn't happen. Now, I have more peace and I can go with the flow. That being said I am happy that my doctor is willing to do some tests and get things going. In the mean time I plan to take better care of myself and try to get some more of the weight off.

After Lilly was born I breastfed and I really didn't have to try that hard to lose the weight I gained. By her first birthday I had lost 40 of the 6olbs. I put on. I know I said 60 POUNDS! So when I conceived Daisy I was 20 lbs. heavier than when I conceived Lilly Anna. I gained 40 lbs. with her putting me around the same weight at the time of the birth. I lost between 20 and 25 pounds by the Spring of 2009 and since then over the holidays and with the stress of trying to get pregnant and her impending birthday I have gained some weight back. Not what I need to be doing! So now I want to drink more water, take my multivitamin every day and exercise. I want to be healthy and have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

In the meantime I will continue trying to conceive and hopefully soon I will be taking Metformin; a drug that is used in patients with PCOS to help make them ovulate. I would LOVE to be expecting again by March so I could have a 2010 baby, but I won't hold my breath on that one. I guess if I stop giving myself dates to be pregnant by I will possibly be more relaxed.

People tell me all of the time "You are still so young though". Yes, I am. Sort of. I will be at least 27 before I have another baby and that isn't too young. I have always wanted to be through having babies by the time I am 30. Plus Lilly Anna with be 4 this year and I don't want my children too far apart. Besides it's a desire I have. A strong and real and understandable one. Even though our second child was not planned like Lilly was I still wanted and loved her. I was on board with the pregnancy from the moment I knew I was expecting. Sure, I was a little shocked, but then I got over it.

I miss Daisy. I miss that new baby smell that I never got to experience with her. I miss kissing the little toes and feeding my baby. I miss all of the newborn stuff. I missed out on all of that with her. But, knowing that I would possibly never get to meet her did make me stop and enjoy the pregnancy more. At the same time it made it harder because of the emotional strain of "knowing" and "not knowing" what my future held with her. I enjoyed her kicks and hiccups more, but I also often felt like a "ticking time bomb". I know that sounds horrible, but I remember feeling that way and even saying that. I didn't know how long she would survive in me. I didn't know how long I had with her. The hope and faith inside of me said she would be okay. It told me no matter what I would be okay. I truly had faith for her healing. My mind on the other hand knew that I would probably never get to meet her. That being said I never gave up. I just had to be realistic and as prepared as possible for what the future held.

I took a break from writing and in the meantime I did some research on Metformin also known as Glucophage and PCOS. Doing this sort of research on the internet can be helpful and insightful or scary and unproductive. At first I was scared to learn that patients with PCOS have a lot higher rate of miscarriage. Although I have never had a miscarriage I do not want to go through one. I dug deeper and discovered that using Metformin in the trying process can help you conceive and if you continue taking a low dose through the first 12-14 weeks it can reduce your chance of miscarriage greatly. It has not been proven to be harmful or harmLESS in pregnancy, but could possibly be used throughout a pregnancy to prevent and treat gestational diabetes. More research should be done. Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse here, because I have not discussed with my doctor what will happen when I get pregnant as far as taking the medicine is concerned. Although, I want to take as little as possible while carrying a child.

So, I go Monday to have my fasting insulin levels checked and hopefully I will begin taking Metformin soon. I was talking to my mom about this and losing weight earlier tonight and she said "You can do it." She was talking about losing weight and she reminded me how well I did on the South Beach diet. I didn't want to have to do it that way again. But, it did work and I felt great on it. I went off of it and ate crazy afterward though. Getting your weight under control helps reverse the negative (non-ovulating) effects of PCOS. So, I decided I would get my South Beach diet book back from her and start it next week. Then, I did more research online and discovered that following a low GI diabetic diet and taking Metformin greatly increase your chances of conceiving with PCOS. I have so much hope and I am so excited tonight. Sometimes if you want something badly enough you have to do what it takes to achieve it. Even if it isn't fun.

I will update as I find out more. I am definitely feeling good about our future and adding to our family. Lilly Anna saw a baby on t.v. tonight and said "That's what we want isn't it Mama?" Melts my heart. She knows how much I love her and how much I love and miss Daisy. She knows how much I want another baby and even though she is only 3 years old, she wants that for me. For me to be happy.

1 comment:

  1. Amber, I am so sorry for your loss. I saw your photo at still life 365. I will pray for your comfort and strength. My daughter will be 29 this year and her name is Amber. She had a 12 week miscarriage very early in her marriage. It was an unplanned pregnancy. She doesn't plan on having children and I would love to be a grandmother. I was 27 and 30 when I had my children years ago. My husband and I are just thinking about doing South Beach again, it worked wonderfully for us and I thought it was pretty easy. Then we went off and you know how that goes. I pray that all is well with you and you can have another baby without any complications. Take care and God Bless.
    If you visit my For Your Tears blog I would be happy to send you a handkerchief to catch your tears. ((HUGS))


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