I woke up thinking about Daisy first thing this morning. Today would have been her first birthday. I don't allow myself on a regular basis to think "That's what I should have " when I see a baby around her age. Or "That's what could have or should have been". You just can't live that way. I did that a lot right after losing her. It hurt my heart so badly to see a new baby. I'll always picture her as a baby though. I have never imagined her as a one year old until this morning. I thought upon waking "I could have a one year old toddeling in here right now". It doesn't hurt so badly to see a baby now. I have held them and my heart swells but it also leaps with joy. I want that again soon. I miss that baby smell and the soft skin. I have Lilly Anna and I am so grateful for her! She is a joy and I can't imagine life without her. I want to give her a sister or brother. We have been trying for another baby for almost 6 months now. I have had to truly give that desire to the Lord.
I had it in my heart that I would be expecting again before the one year mark rolled around. When I realized that was unlikely I struggled with disappointment and those desires. It was hard to let that go. It didn't happen. But, we will keep trying and praying that it happens soon.
Lilly came into my room to wake me up this morning and she had two baby dolls with her. She usually only carries one. She has played twins a lot in the last year with babies. But, this morning was different. She said to me "They are sisters". My heart hurt a little. She is only 3 years old and she knows today is her sisters birthday. She never got to meet Daisy. For her the baby was in mommy's tummy and we went to the doc doc as she calls it and then she was gone. For awhile she thought Daisy was still at the doctor, but now she knows although I doubt she understands that the baby is in heaven.
We are making her a special cake today that we will enjoy. My sweet Lilly said that we should save Daisy a piece. She understands we will not see her today so she says we will take her a piece of cake to the cemetery. We also bought three helium filled balloons. I want the three of us to each write a short note to her and release them at the cemetery this afternoon. We do these things, these little traditions for ourselves. Our loved ones are gone therefore we don't do it for them. But, to remember them and honor their memory.
I miss her, but mostly I miss the idea of her. I didn't ever to get to really know her; her personality, the sound of her voice, or what her scent would have smelled like. I wanted a baby. I wanted that baby. But, God had other plans for us. I do believe I was destined to be her mommy. Even before I was born God knew that I would have Daisy and that she would pass along to heaven before I even got to see her. I feel honored to have been chosen to carry her. God had a reason for her life as short as it was. I plan to do everything in my power to honor it and do my best to carry out that plan.
It's amazing how much we forget. I was reading another mother's blog who lost her baby too soon also. She had so many details written that after one year has passed I do not remember. Like the statics of her survival. I didn't want to remember or except those things though. The important things I will never forget. Like the love I felt for her in my heart, the way it felt when she had the hiccups, how I craved Sprite my entire pregnancy with her, the way she looked, or the pain I felt when I was told I would never get to meet her. I'll also never forget the Hope I had that I would get to meet her or the Faith I had that she would be healed.
I struggled after losing her. I did feel let down by God. I never doubted His existence, but I could not understand why she would have been created to only live inside of me for 36 weeks. I still wonder why sometimes. But, I know I will not know exactly why possibly ever. I do know that one baby girl is here today on Earth because of Daisy's story. Her mommy was told she had Hydrocephalus while she was still in her womb. She was not given Hope by her doctors. She had to decide whether or not to carry on with her pregnancy. After talking with me on the phone, although we'd never met, she decided to keep that baby. She choice life for her, because I could honestly say that I NEVER regretted my decision to give Daisy a chance at life. That baby girl is 6 months old now and she has brought so much joy into her family's life. She will have a quality of life even though her doctors told her she would not have one.
I am about to get ready to head to McRae where I will celebrate the life of my baby girl Daisy. It was short, but she will be remembered forever by us. I can't wait to meet her face to face in heaven one day. Until then I will give all of this love I have for her built up inside of me to her Daddy, sister and future sibling. I pray Daisy's story touches many more lives and saves many more babies.
Until then my Love.