A Mother's Love.

A blog about the love I have in my heart for my two daughters and the desire I have to add to my family again. Lilly Anna here with me on Earth born October 27, 2006 and Daisy Arabella whom I lost to Trisomy 13 or 18 when she was stillborn at 36 weeks and 3 days on January 26, 2009.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

As the months tic by...

So we have tried  4 mths. of the Clomid now and last mth. I was running up and down the road to the Fertility Dr. every other day! As hard as it was to decide I needed a break that is what I had to do. We have only 2 more mths. of the Clomid left that we can take and I just wanted to see if maybe I can ovulate on my own before we use all of our mths. up and I keep putting my body through this. Not to mention the emotional side effects of it all. So, many people are expecting right now and in the technology based world we live in I know of people who are pregnant that I otherwise would not have even known about. I am happy for all of them, but it is still oh so hard when you feel like the one thing you want you simply cannot have. And it seems to come so easy to so many. This missing piece of my healing process seems to be hanging in the wind and I am hanging on by a thread most days. I have many friends who have experienced losses as I have and we were a great support system for one another when we were all trying to conceive. Now that most all of them are expecting again and I am still waiting makes it hard. I cannot believe that January will be 2 years since I delivered my angel baby at 36 weeks gestation. I miss her so bad! I want to give my daughter that sibiling that she desires so badly. She will be 4 yrs. old next Wednesday. Boy how times does fly. I hope all of our dreams come true soon. I know I can't "help it" but I feel each mth. that passes I not only am let down but I let Cayce and Lilly Anna down. Not true; I know but it's there in my mind nonetheless. So, until I decide otherwise we are still trying but not like we were. We are taking as many drug free mths. as I need. I am not giving up, but I am trying to change my focus...for now.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A year of ttc

I am trying to be okay, but emotionally I am not feeling so great. I told myself I wouldn't be sad if we had another negative month, but is that even possible to ask that of myself? This was our second month on Clomid. I just knew I'd be pregnant again by now. It has been over a year and half since I gave birth to Daisy now and we have been trying to get pregnant again since August of 2009 so now we have been trying a whole year. I never thought my womb would still be empty at this point and it is something that I want again so bad! I have gotten pregnant and carried 2 babies almost to term both times. Why is not happening now? I know everyone says God is in control and I know He is. But, He knows the desires of my heart too right? I am trying to be patient, but it isn't always easy. Clomid has been a very rough drug for me to take. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally not me while on it. I am a wreck. I think we are going to try it one more month and then I have to have a month off of it trying. I just don't know how long I can continue putting myself through the side effects I have on this medicine. I don't know what other options I have, but I am thinking about asking my dr. Thank you all for your prayers. I am ready and waiting. I wanted to be pregnant again by Daisy's first birthday so badly and now I just want to be pregnant again by her second and I am realizing that may not happen. So, why put the pressure on myself? I cannot help it.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Pictures that go with the post below

I appologize for the sideways pictures. I am a little computer challenged sometimes. LOL Daisy's newest flowers and little figurine I bought for her.
Lilly at the Atlanta Zoo May 2010.The pink baby shoe on the ledge. See the glow!? It was in the shade.

Daisy's name I wrote in the sand at the river on the sandbar.

Then, I saw the upside rainbow. :)
I wish I had had the camera with me when we saw the butterfly, but I didn't because of the rain showers that kept popping up.

Butterflies, Rainbows & Baby Shoes

So, I meant to write a few weeks ago after out River trip. I am only now finding the time to get my thoughts and experiences out. I don't know if you believe in "signs" from God, but I do. If you don't keep reading and you may find that someday God speaks to you through something on this Earth. First, we went to Atlanta last month and we took Lilly Anna (our 3 and 1/2 year old daughter) to the Atl. Zoo. As we were passing the exhibit where the gorillas were I noticed a tiny pink baby shoe on the ledge. I looked closer and it was a Gymboree shoe with tiny white daisies all over it. It instantly pulled at my heart. I kept looking at it. We were walking away and I wanted to photograph this moment; this shoe...so badly. I stopped and went back to take a picture of the pink baby shoe... on the ledge... at the zoo... with the daisies on it. LOL I could not get a picture to where you could she the daisies. Light shown all around it in the pictures. In reality the light wasn't shining directly on it. It was heavenly. I know what some people are thinking...it was a shoe on a ledge! Someone dropped it. Probably true, but it happened on that day and I walked by and seen it and it warmed my heart and made me think of my baby angel. So, there. ;)

Okay fast forward 2 weekends later...we are at the river and the weather was crazy this day! Storms kept popping up and we would have to go back in doors. We were outside on the sand bar after and before another good rain when I looked up towards the sun and saw an upside rainbow!!! Like a smiley face! I have never seen such. I took a picture because I thought it was cool. Later that afternoon we were fishing in the boat when I noticed a baby (tiny) orange butterfly (smaller than any one I have ever seen) hanging around the boat. I thought "how pretty" and nothing more. 10 or 15 minutes later I noticed it was still in our boat! I was telling Cayce about it because at this point I was getting a little emotional after all of the signs I had seen the last few weeks. Oh and I forgot to mention I had written Daisy's name in the sand before I saw the rainbow. So, the butterfly lands on my foot as I am telling my husband to look and then on my other foot. She is sitting right on top of my "daisy" tattoo on my foot. Then she lands on Lilly's foot which evokes a giggle from her and a smile and tear from me. I ended up holding my hand out towards this butterfly palm up and she landed in my palm immediately! I watched as this butterfly took her (mouth I guess...the long thing they suck pollen out of flowers with) and kiss my hand repeatedly! We have been in butterfly houses where you can't get a butterfly to land on you and here on this river in this boat this lone tiny beautiful butterfly does this. I was very emotional and happy. It was a "moment" for sure. I wanted to get that out there and share it. Let it warm your heart if it will. Look for your own signs from above or if nothing else maybe stop and enjoy God's beauty a little more often.

I will try to upload images later as it won't allow me to right now. :(

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I miss you.

Missing my Daisy tonight. Ready to see those 2 pink lines and feel those little belly flutters again.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Spread the love.

I saw this blogspot on a friend's Facebook page and I decided to share a text message I sent to my Grandmother on May 17th.

In my eyes you are an angel.

You have taught me what it's like to love with your whole heart.

You have taught me what it is like to put others before yourself.

You have shown me what the perfect example of a loving wife, mother, and Grandmother is.

You have a beautiful heart.

I admire you and I strive to live my life as you have lived your's.

I find you inspiring and I often tell Lilly (my daughter) and Cayce (my husband)that I think you hung the moon.

I love you so much!

I didn't ever really get a chance to write in your Mother's Day card, but this is what it would have said.

Much much love, Amber

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Until then...

Doesn't know where to start...

I have been happy, truly happy the last few months. I love my new job. I know how blessed I am to have this oppurtunity and new space. But, I am feeling rather "blah" the last few days to a week. I am hoping it is just this cold or allergies that I am batteling. I am so congested. That makes for feeling bad. But, I feel a little disconnected. Disconnected from everyone really.

Enough about that... So we didn't conceive in March or April but my cycles have gotten shorter and are getting more on track. I was looking for ovulation later in my cycle in April and it happened earlier. So, we will keep on keeping on. I am really ok with it. It is still hard sometimes to see people/friends with their baby bumps or their new baby or toddler that would be Daisy's age. I cannot believe she'd be a year and 3 months old already! Time has certainly helped to heal that wound, but my heart still aches. I still want to fill that nursery in the back of the house. I want to hold and to feed and kiss my baby again. When the time comes we will be over the moon happy to see a positive pregnancy test and to hear that heartbeat again. :)Until then I try to stay patient and wait.

Mother's Day is this coming Sunday. We will be going to my Grandmother's to have lunch and I look forward to going to see Daisy and to take her the sleeping baby angel statue that I bought. I love it. The baby is so peaceful and perfect. She was born after she had already gone to heaven. That seems so backwards. But, I like knowing she went peacefully. I believe she never hurt. One day Jesus we will see her again. What a glorious day that will be. Until then, we live our lives serving the Lord and taking care of our other child/ren the best we can.

On another note...I have lost 30 lbs. since I began my weightloss journey in Feb. =) Let Summer bring it on! LOL I am so ready to take Lilly to the beach. She loves it as much as I do!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Growing daisies.

I haven't written lately. I have been soooooo busy! Which has been great for me emotionally and physically. I have lost 23 lbs. since I began my weight loss journey almost 7 weeks ago. I am very happy about that. That combined with the Metformin has done the trick and I have had positive OPK's (ovulation predictor tests) 2 months in a row. I have a really good feeling about this month. The test line was actually darker than the control line for the first time! I only tested once and that was enough! If this isn't our month I am okay with that. We are just living life and loving it right now. I miss the baby I thought I should have, but I no longer wear the pain and heart break on my sleeve like I once did. I am moving on. Everyone deals with thinkgs differently and in their own time. I will never forget her or the way she changed me though.

Our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up on the 27th. The day my cycle would be due. Maybe we will get the best anniversary surprise/present ever! More to come on this subject for sure...

My new Salon & Boutique has been open for 2 weeks now & I have done better than I ever expected to do. I have had my moments of doubt during the process. It has all gone by in a whirlwind, because it was spur of the moment and unplanned. It was/is a God thing. I pray my business continues to grow and prosper.

The possibility of being pregnant while just beginning this business journey seems a little daunting. But, we are trusting God to give us a baby when the time is right. He hasn't let us down yet. ;) This is our 8th month of "trying" so we don't want to begin preventing it at this point. We will be over the moon when it happens.

I have made a few awesome new friends within the last few months/weeks and I am finally "growing into my own". I am more comfortable in my own skin and relaxed than I have ever been. If you don't love yourself, then how can anyone else love you? I am loving life. I am looking forward to the Spring weather that is coming in. I am ready to be able to get outside more and enjoy the sunshine. Maybe grow some daisies!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Friday, February 26, 2010

One year and one month ago...

So, here it Feb. 26th. It has been one year and one month since Daisy's sleeping body was born into this Earth. We did not conceive this month. But, with everything positive going on in my life right now I am not dwelling on it. I finally feel okay with it for the first time after more than 6 months of trying and being let down. It will happen when it is time. I admit I didn't always have that outlook and I admit it could change at any time.

I steadily am working on the new location for my salon and boutique. It is a dream come true for me! I am putting a lot of "me" into this shop. I am enjoying being so creative and not holding back as I did with my current location. The doors on the new place are bright pink and I love it! Pink, black and white with a little khaki thrown in are my colors. I am doing leopard and zebra print and it is going to be modern, sexy, and FABULOUS!

I am still operating out of my current location today and tomorrow. We hope to get the floors and owning done this weekend and then get my things moved in. I will do my first clients on Main Street in one week! I can't wait!

Now, for a little about my Lilly. She will be going to work with me 2 days a week for a few hours. I have to get her room at the shop all done up. She is so good! I was blessed with a great daughter. She can play by herself and usually minds very well. =)

She is growing like a weed! The pants and long sleeve shirts that I bought her in the fall are all way to short now. We are ready for Spring so we can break out the new clothes and don't have to buy new Winter things.

That's all I have for now. I pray everyone has a great weekend!

Friday, February 19, 2010

By the Grace of God

I haven't written as much as I had planned to when I first began this blog. I am happy to say that since getting past the one year anniversary of Daisy's birth I have a sense of relief all around me. I don't know if you can understand that if you haven't gone through it. I dreaded that day with every fiber of my being. But, guess what? I made it through it and came out stronger than ever on the other side of it.

I half way expected to fall apart the day after, because I didn't fall apart on her birthday. By God's grace I didn't. I am really happy for the first time in a long time. I had a rough two years or so.

Cayce and I went through a rough patch while I was newly pregnant with Daisy and then I found out about her condition. The next months of carrying her and working out my relationship with my husband were some very trying months. Cayce and I were and are stronger than ever after dealing with the death of our child together. But, the year after her birth and death was a bad year for me. I lost my best friend while dealing with the loss of my baby. Then, it seemed that every other girl friend I had was either pregnant, had just had a baby or was trying to conceive. It killed me inside. Since I am being honest here. ;) I had friends and made friends last year who lost babies or had lost babies. With each new story of a mother losing her child my heart broke. I remembered all of those fresh raw emotions and I went through them again in a way.

I have grown as a woman, mother, wife and friend over the last year. When I finally stopped looking for a "new best friend" God sent me an amazing girl friend with whom I have a lot in common. She was just who I needed/need in my life at this point in time. Remember that God doesn't always bless you the way you expect or want Him to. But, He knows best and I trust Him fully.

I started the Metformin as most of you know. I went up to twice a day yesterday, but I have some GREAT news! I got my first positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) last Thursday Feb. 11th. I was thrilled. Although I WAS disappointed because my husband had just left for 3 nights! I thought "Just my luck", but honestly I was too happy that I ovulated or was going to to be upset. There is still a possibility although I believe it is slim. I should know by Feb. 24th-26th.

I really believe changing my diet along with the meds. has helped to begin ovulating again. I could think "Why didn't I do this sooner?" but to be honest I believe it didn't happen because it wasn't the right time. It has taken me quite awhile to get this point of being okay with when it happens it happens. Everyone tells you to relax and it'll happen when you least expect. You think "OKAY YEAH!". It isn't that simple. God has given me this peace and maybe next month will be our month. If not, at least I know my body is getting back on track.

I weighed a few days ago and I had lost 9 lbs. on the first 2 weeks of the diet. I am only weighing once a week now. The weight loss slows after the first 2 weeks and I didn't want to get discouraged so I don't weigh as often. I know it is working. I can tell through my belly most.

So, I have more great news! A blessing that is heaven sent! I have had a small salon in my hometown for 2 years now. I have enjoyed it. I currently only work about 2 days a week and I am able to stay at home with my daughter. My dream has always been to open a boutique one day. Real hip; you know? Then, I got my cosmetology degree and decided that a Salon/Boutique would be amazing! I always visit local boutiques when we go on vacation anywhere and I am so inspired! Long story short, I noticed that the people in a local business on Main Street were moving out the first weekend in Feb. I had looked at the building a few years ago, but it was already spoken for. I found out who owned it and made a call. I begin working on it Feb 16th in the dark and cold with no electricity. I was THAT excited! I should be moved in by March 1st. I have a little bit of time to do a WHOLE lot of work!

It came at just the right time. A month earlier or later and we would not have been able to do it financially. That is how I know it was sent straight from God and in His plan. I am not stressed, because of that. I am still doing hair at my little shop while I get Amber's Hair Salon & Boutique ready to open very soon! If God is for me then who can be against me.

So, I will be out working more and loving every minute of it! The best part is Lilly can go with me and Cayce can get her when he gets home from work. Plus, my wonderful mother-in-law keeps her on Thursday evenings and on Friday for me. While Cayce keeps her on Saturday mornings. If I had been expecting again already; like I had wanted, then I wouldn't be opening up this new shop now. That's how I know God has a plan. It just took some time for it to unfold. I had to trust Him. I never stopped loving Him, but sometime it is hard to trust.

I hope you can begin trusting God today with your life if you haven't been doing so fully lately. Have a blessed day, Amber

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I have been super busy.

I know I need to post a new blog soon. I have been super busy the last week! I have some great news to share, but not just yet. I did begin taking the Met. last Thursday. My glucose levels and thyroid were perfect, but my insulin resistance was on the high side. ( Another marker for PCOS) So, I guess I have been diagnosed with it at this point. I pray the Metformin starts doing it's job soon. It seems to be helping already. Along with the diet I am doing. I have lost 7lbs. so far. So, I am getting ready for whatever God may have in store for me. I want to be as healthy as possible for this journey called life.

To be continued....

Friday, January 29, 2010

The next step in trying to conceive.

So, I went to see my obgyn this morning, because my cycles are no where near being normal after 6 months of trying. I have let go of the "plan" to be pregnant before Daisy's 1st birthday as that has already passed. Now I just want to be expecting again as soon as my body is possibly ready. I was in such a hurry a few months back for it. I honestly didn't think it would take us long at all to conceive. In my mind 3 months top and I'd have a baby on the way. I seem much more patient with the process now that the anniversary is over. I guess that was my goal and I wanted it so badly. I was disappointed when it didn't happen. Now, I have more peace and I can go with the flow. That being said I am happy that my doctor is willing to do some tests and get things going. In the mean time I plan to take better care of myself and try to get some more of the weight off.

After Lilly was born I breastfed and I really didn't have to try that hard to lose the weight I gained. By her first birthday I had lost 40 of the 6olbs. I put on. I know I said 60 POUNDS! So when I conceived Daisy I was 20 lbs. heavier than when I conceived Lilly Anna. I gained 40 lbs. with her putting me around the same weight at the time of the birth. I lost between 20 and 25 pounds by the Spring of 2009 and since then over the holidays and with the stress of trying to get pregnant and her impending birthday I have gained some weight back. Not what I need to be doing! So now I want to drink more water, take my multivitamin every day and exercise. I want to be healthy and have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

In the meantime I will continue trying to conceive and hopefully soon I will be taking Metformin; a drug that is used in patients with PCOS to help make them ovulate. I would LOVE to be expecting again by March so I could have a 2010 baby, but I won't hold my breath on that one. I guess if I stop giving myself dates to be pregnant by I will possibly be more relaxed.

People tell me all of the time "You are still so young though". Yes, I am. Sort of. I will be at least 27 before I have another baby and that isn't too young. I have always wanted to be through having babies by the time I am 30. Plus Lilly Anna with be 4 this year and I don't want my children too far apart. Besides it's a desire I have. A strong and real and understandable one. Even though our second child was not planned like Lilly was I still wanted and loved her. I was on board with the pregnancy from the moment I knew I was expecting. Sure, I was a little shocked, but then I got over it.

I miss Daisy. I miss that new baby smell that I never got to experience with her. I miss kissing the little toes and feeding my baby. I miss all of the newborn stuff. I missed out on all of that with her. But, knowing that I would possibly never get to meet her did make me stop and enjoy the pregnancy more. At the same time it made it harder because of the emotional strain of "knowing" and "not knowing" what my future held with her. I enjoyed her kicks and hiccups more, but I also often felt like a "ticking time bomb". I know that sounds horrible, but I remember feeling that way and even saying that. I didn't know how long she would survive in me. I didn't know how long I had with her. The hope and faith inside of me said she would be okay. It told me no matter what I would be okay. I truly had faith for her healing. My mind on the other hand knew that I would probably never get to meet her. That being said I never gave up. I just had to be realistic and as prepared as possible for what the future held.

I took a break from writing and in the meantime I did some research on Metformin also known as Glucophage and PCOS. Doing this sort of research on the internet can be helpful and insightful or scary and unproductive. At first I was scared to learn that patients with PCOS have a lot higher rate of miscarriage. Although I have never had a miscarriage I do not want to go through one. I dug deeper and discovered that using Metformin in the trying process can help you conceive and if you continue taking a low dose through the first 12-14 weeks it can reduce your chance of miscarriage greatly. It has not been proven to be harmful or harmLESS in pregnancy, but could possibly be used throughout a pregnancy to prevent and treat gestational diabetes. More research should be done. Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse here, because I have not discussed with my doctor what will happen when I get pregnant as far as taking the medicine is concerned. Although, I want to take as little as possible while carrying a child.

So, I go Monday to have my fasting insulin levels checked and hopefully I will begin taking Metformin soon. I was talking to my mom about this and losing weight earlier tonight and she said "You can do it." She was talking about losing weight and she reminded me how well I did on the South Beach diet. I didn't want to have to do it that way again. But, it did work and I felt great on it. I went off of it and ate crazy afterward though. Getting your weight under control helps reverse the negative (non-ovulating) effects of PCOS. So, I decided I would get my South Beach diet book back from her and start it next week. Then, I did more research online and discovered that following a low GI diabetic diet and taking Metformin greatly increase your chances of conceiving with PCOS. I have so much hope and I am so excited tonight. Sometimes if you want something badly enough you have to do what it takes to achieve it. Even if it isn't fun.

I will update as I find out more. I am definitely feeling good about our future and adding to our family. Lilly Anna saw a baby on t.v. tonight and said "That's what we want isn't it Mama?" Melts my heart. She knows how much I love her and how much I love and miss Daisy. She knows how much I want another baby and even though she is only 3 years old, she wants that for me. For me to be happy.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Pictures from Daisy's 1st birthday in Heaven.

My sweet Lilly fell asleep on the way to the cemetery.
We made Daisy a 1st birthday cake.
Lilly and I visiting Daisy.
Daddy and Lilly visiting.
Our gift to Daisy for her birthday.

A daisy represents purity.
I never wanted to let you go.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Happy birthday baby girl.

I woke up thinking about Daisy first thing this morning. Today would have been her first birthday. I don't allow myself on a regular basis to think "That's what I should have " when I see a baby around her age. Or "That's what could have or should have been". You just can't live that way. I did that a lot right after losing her. It hurt my heart so badly to see a new baby. I'll always picture her as a baby though. I have never imagined her as a one year old until this morning. I thought upon waking "I could have a one year old toddeling in here right now". It doesn't hurt so badly to see a baby now. I have held them and my heart swells but it also leaps with joy. I want that again soon. I miss that baby smell and the soft skin. I have Lilly Anna and I am so grateful for her! She is a joy and I can't imagine life without her. I want to give her a sister or brother. We have been trying for another baby for almost 6 months now. I have had to truly give that desire to the Lord.

I had it in my heart that I would be expecting again before the one year mark rolled around. When I realized that was unlikely I struggled with disappointment and those desires. It was hard to let that go. It didn't happen. But, we will keep trying and praying that it happens soon.

Lilly came into my room to wake me up this morning and she had two baby dolls with her. She usually only carries one. She has played twins a lot in the last year with babies. But, this morning was different. She said to me "They are sisters". My heart hurt a little. She is only 3 years old and she knows today is her sisters birthday. She never got to meet Daisy. For her the baby was in mommy's tummy and we went to the doc doc as she calls it and then she was gone. For awhile she thought Daisy was still at the doctor, but now she knows although I doubt she understands that the baby is in heaven.

We are making her a special cake today that we will enjoy. My sweet Lilly said that we should save Daisy a piece. She understands we will not see her today so she says we will take her a piece of cake to the cemetery. We also bought three helium filled balloons. I want the three of us to each write a short note to her and release them at the cemetery this afternoon. We do these things, these little traditions for ourselves. Our loved ones are gone therefore we don't do it for them. But, to remember them and honor their memory.

I miss her, but mostly I miss the idea of her. I didn't ever to get to really know her; her personality, the sound of her voice, or what her scent would have smelled like. I wanted a baby. I wanted that baby. But, God had other plans for us. I do believe I was destined to be her mommy. Even before I was born God knew that I would have Daisy and that she would pass along to heaven before I even got to see her. I feel honored to have been chosen to carry her. God had a reason for her life as short as it was. I plan to do everything in my power to honor it and do my best to carry out that plan.

It's amazing how much we forget. I was reading another mother's blog who lost her baby too soon also. She had so many details written that after one year has passed I do not remember. Like the statics of her survival. I didn't want to remember or except those things though. The important things I will never forget. Like the love I felt for her in my heart, the way it felt when she had the hiccups, how I craved Sprite my entire pregnancy with her, the way she looked, or the pain I felt when I was told I would never get to meet her. I'll also never forget the Hope I had that I would get to meet her or the Faith I had that she would be healed.

I struggled after losing her. I did feel let down by God. I never doubted His existence, but I could not understand why she would have been created to only live inside of me for 36 weeks. I still wonder why sometimes. But, I know I will not know exactly why possibly ever. I do know that one baby girl is here today on Earth because of Daisy's story. Her mommy was told she had Hydrocephalus while she was still in her womb. She was not given Hope by her doctors. She had to decide whether or not to carry on with her pregnancy. After talking with me on the phone, although we'd never met, she decided to keep that baby. She choice life for her, because I could honestly say that I NEVER regretted my decision to give Daisy a chance at life. That baby girl is 6 months old now and she has brought so much joy into her family's life. She will have a quality of life even though her doctors told her she would not have one.

I am about to get ready to head to McRae where I will celebrate the life of my baby girl Daisy. It was short, but she will be remembered forever by us. I can't wait to meet her face to face in heaven one day. Until then I will give all of this love I have for her built up inside of me to her Daddy, sister and future sibling. I pray Daisy's story touches many more lives and saves many more babies.

Until then my Love.

Monday, January 25, 2010

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Listening to the rain...thinking about Daisy.

So, here I sit listening to the rain outside the window. Lilly Anna, my 3 year old daughter is snug as a bug in her bed watching The Little Mermaid (which was a childhood favorite of mine). I was inspired by a blogger I found online ( Carly Marie Dudley at http://namesinthesand.net/ )to start a blog. Her blog spoke to me and made me want to do things and help others through my experiences. If I believe that everything happens for a reason then I want Daisy's short life to have a meaning to it. I don't really know where to begin, but here it goes...

I fell madly in love at the young age of 19. I married my husband Cayce after a 9 month long whirlwind of a romance. What was the hurry you say? We had our reasons. This March we will have been married for 7 years. These last 7 years haven't been perfect, but they have been all worth it. I have been asked if I had to do it over again would I have married him when I did and chosen this life. My answer is always a resounding YES! I love my life; most of the time. We did a lot of traveling and had a lot of fun during our pre baby newlywed days. I am glad that we took that time for ourselves, but I could hardly wait to start a family with him. I had always wanted to be a young mother and to have at least 2 children before the age of 30.

So, I was 22 when I conceived my first child. I was over the moon happy! I really enjoyed my pregnancy. Of course I didn't love the nausea in the beginning or the aches and pains and sleepless nights in the end, but there is just something magical about a pregnancy to me. There always has been. I was very excited to find out I was having a girl. I honestly have always pictured myself the mother of 2 or 3 girls. I guess that comes from having only a younger sister growing up and my Grandmother had 3 girls. We know girls! I'm not so sure about boys! LOL

I carried Lilly for 38 weeks and 2 days. My water broke the night before she was born. I labored a long 18 hours with her. But, she was totally worth it! I fell in love with her instantly. She is simply amazing! She was 7 lbs. and 5 oz. and 21 and 1/2 in. long. She was perfect! Now she is 3 years old and talks all of the time! They grow and change so fast!

We were pretty shocked to find out we were expecting again in June 2008. We weren't exactly trying. But, I got used to the idea pretty quickly. It took a little longer for my husband to come around. I wanted to find out as soon as I possibly could what I was having. So, when I found out they were doing free ultrasounds at the ABC Women's Clinic in Dublin I decided to go, because my doctor wouldn't look until I was 20 weeks. I was 18 weeks pregnant and it was that day that my world crumbled. The technician seemed pretty unskilled so I wasn't alarmed when she told me the baby was measuring 3 weeks behind. Her teacher confirmed this by doing the measurements several more times. I explained to them that I had been for a few sonograms already and that couldn't be. I wasn't even 4 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. They told me it was probably nothing but I may want to call my obgyn just to let them know what was going on. So, I did.

I had to stop writing last night and I am picking back up where I left off today.

I called my doctor's office and spoke with the ultrasound tech. and told her what was going on. She said to come in and they would take a quick look. It was pretty obvious as she was doing the sonogram that things didn't look good. She was in a hurry to make sure the doctor hadn't left for the day after a few moments of looking at my scan. He told me it wasn't good. It was just me and Lilly that day at the doctor. No one else was with me. I wanted to find out what I was having and have my husband come home to a room filled with pink or blue balloons. Instead I made a phone call as soon as I was in the parking lot through tears streaming down my face and a huge lump in my throat. The doctor had told me that he thought maybe she had Turner's Syndrome. It can be life threatening but people do go on to live with it. I immediately began researching it. I was relieved to see the many children who are living with it. Unfortunately every time I went to the doctor the news only got worse.

My obgyn sent me to a specialist in Macon and I saw him twice. He was the one to tell me that my baby had Trisomy 13 or 18 and she was incompatible with life. He told me she would probably never live to be born and that if she did she would die within minutes. My world came crashing down before me. I wanted to run away. I felt as though I would die. Here I was going on 25 weeks pregnant with a baby that I loved. I felt her first tiny kicks at 14 weeks. She had the hiccups every day! You are supposed to be able to protect your child. You would give your life for your child! There was nothing I could do and I felt totally helpless. All of sudden knowing what the baby was wasn't so important anymore.

They never could tell me for sure that she was a girl. Two different technicians said if they had to say they would say girl. So, that is what we went with. My fluid levels were always really low with her and they only got lower as time went on. Another byproduct of her condition. She was not excreting urine. I was told that the front portion of her brain never developed. The specialist also told me that my baby did not have eyes, a nose, or a mouth. How do you tell someone that? He compared her mouth to the movie "The Mask"! I suppose he was just preparing me, but it was horrifying to hear. He had made it clear that he thought I should terminate the pregnancy. That was NEVER an option for me. She was a gift from God.

At my next doctors visit with my regular doctor the lady doing the sonogram was showing us her face and she said "and there are her eyelids..." My mom and I looked at one another shocked and happy. We asked her did she see eyes? She seemed confused and we explained what we had been told 2 weeks before. She told was to look and she pointed out the eye sockets and they were plain to see. That was a miracle to me.

On a Wednesday 5 days before I delivered her I went to my doctor because the two days before I noticed I had only felt her move a time or two. My fluid levels at that point were extremely low, but her heartbeat was great. We went ahead and scheduled my induction for the next Monday when I would be 36 weeks and 3 days. The next morning, Thursday, was the last time I felt her move. I felt really sick over the weekend every time I would get up and move about. My nerves were pretty bad at that point. I was scared. Even still I never gave up hope!

I prayed and worshiped my God. So many people were praying for us. I believed for my miracle. I got it in being able to carry her for 36 weeks. Knowing that I could possibly never get to meet her made me cherish every moment I had with her. I wished I could have kept her safe forever, but I couldn't. I talked to her and patted her from within my womb. I fed her good and we soaked in a warm bath almost every night. It was an emotional and overwhelming time. But, I shared so much love with her during that short time.

I was so nervous the night before the delivery. I hardly slept at all though I hadn't been sleeping well for weeks before that. My mother-in-law kept Lilly for us the night before. My mom, sister, step-father, and step-brother met us there that morning at 6 a.m. I was a lot more nervous than I was when I walked in pregnant with my first. The nurse tried to find a heartbeat and couldn't. I tried not to panic, but logically I knew she was already gone. My doctor did a bed side sonogram and confirmed my worst fear. She didn't have a heartbeat. There were many visitors during that time. My labor was progressing very slowly the first 11-12 hours. Finally at 7:19 p.m. she was born. I prayed and asked God to have mercy on me. When my labor was going so long I began to feel a little defeated. Then, the blessing came in the end. I remember the doctor telling me to push and I remember thinking "I can't do this". I was so scared. Scared of what I would see. Scared of truly losing her. I pushed one time and that small baby was born. She weighed only 3 lbs. and 9 oz. and was 16 in.

A little time passed before I was ready to hold her. I was scared to even look at her. When I was ready Cayce laid her on my chest and I remember thinking that the weight of her there was just how it felt when she was in my tummy. She looked different through my eyes, her mother's eye; than she did to the nurses and doctors I am sure. But, to me and her family she was beautiful. She did have a cleft palate, but that could have been fixed. She had eyelids and the cutest tiniest nose I have ever seen. She was so small. She had ten fingers and ten toes. But, she wasn't mine anymore. She was God's. I dedicated Daisy to the Lord a little more than a month before she was born. I felt that I had to give her to God. Let Him know that I knew she was his baby no matter what happened.

Daisy was my little miracle. I honestly cannot imagine my life without her ever being a part of it. I wish I had not had to know the pain of losing a child, but I would do the same thing all over again if I was dealt that hand. I pray I am not. I don't know how my heart could withstand it, but she was worth it all. Lilly Anna with grow up knowing she has a little sister in heaven. We talk about her sometimes now. With the one year anniversary of her birth coming up tomorrow she is heavy on my heart and mind. But, we will survive and we will praise God through the storm.

So this is my first blog on here. It may be a little long. LOL But, I had to cram the whole story into a little space of time. I pray that my words help other moms and family members going through the loss of a child. Maybe I'll meet a few interesting people through this if nothing else. And find healing through sharing my life and my story. Daisy's story.

Daisy's life.

Daisy when she was safe in my tummy.

The First time I held her.
Her tiny hand and feet prints.
Daisy's headstone.
Me visiting my baby.
Fall 2009 Lilly visiting her baby sister for the first time.
Lilly Anna

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