A Mother's Love.

A blog about the love I have in my heart for my two daughters and the desire I have to add to my family again. Lilly Anna here with me on Earth born October 27, 2006 and Daisy Arabella whom I lost to Trisomy 13 or 18 when she was stillborn at 36 weeks and 3 days on January 26, 2009.

Friday, January 29, 2010

The next step in trying to conceive.

So, I went to see my obgyn this morning, because my cycles are no where near being normal after 6 months of trying. I have let go of the "plan" to be pregnant before Daisy's 1st birthday as that has already passed. Now I just want to be expecting again as soon as my body is possibly ready. I was in such a hurry a few months back for it. I honestly didn't think it would take us long at all to conceive. In my mind 3 months top and I'd have a baby on the way. I seem much more patient with the process now that the anniversary is over. I guess that was my goal and I wanted it so badly. I was disappointed when it didn't happen. Now, I have more peace and I can go with the flow. That being said I am happy that my doctor is willing to do some tests and get things going. In the mean time I plan to take better care of myself and try to get some more of the weight off.

After Lilly was born I breastfed and I really didn't have to try that hard to lose the weight I gained. By her first birthday I had lost 40 of the 6olbs. I put on. I know I said 60 POUNDS! So when I conceived Daisy I was 20 lbs. heavier than when I conceived Lilly Anna. I gained 40 lbs. with her putting me around the same weight at the time of the birth. I lost between 20 and 25 pounds by the Spring of 2009 and since then over the holidays and with the stress of trying to get pregnant and her impending birthday I have gained some weight back. Not what I need to be doing! So now I want to drink more water, take my multivitamin every day and exercise. I want to be healthy and have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

In the meantime I will continue trying to conceive and hopefully soon I will be taking Metformin; a drug that is used in patients with PCOS to help make them ovulate. I would LOVE to be expecting again by March so I could have a 2010 baby, but I won't hold my breath on that one. I guess if I stop giving myself dates to be pregnant by I will possibly be more relaxed.

People tell me all of the time "You are still so young though". Yes, I am. Sort of. I will be at least 27 before I have another baby and that isn't too young. I have always wanted to be through having babies by the time I am 30. Plus Lilly Anna with be 4 this year and I don't want my children too far apart. Besides it's a desire I have. A strong and real and understandable one. Even though our second child was not planned like Lilly was I still wanted and loved her. I was on board with the pregnancy from the moment I knew I was expecting. Sure, I was a little shocked, but then I got over it.

I miss Daisy. I miss that new baby smell that I never got to experience with her. I miss kissing the little toes and feeding my baby. I miss all of the newborn stuff. I missed out on all of that with her. But, knowing that I would possibly never get to meet her did make me stop and enjoy the pregnancy more. At the same time it made it harder because of the emotional strain of "knowing" and "not knowing" what my future held with her. I enjoyed her kicks and hiccups more, but I also often felt like a "ticking time bomb". I know that sounds horrible, but I remember feeling that way and even saying that. I didn't know how long she would survive in me. I didn't know how long I had with her. The hope and faith inside of me said she would be okay. It told me no matter what I would be okay. I truly had faith for her healing. My mind on the other hand knew that I would probably never get to meet her. That being said I never gave up. I just had to be realistic and as prepared as possible for what the future held.

I took a break from writing and in the meantime I did some research on Metformin also known as Glucophage and PCOS. Doing this sort of research on the internet can be helpful and insightful or scary and unproductive. At first I was scared to learn that patients with PCOS have a lot higher rate of miscarriage. Although I have never had a miscarriage I do not want to go through one. I dug deeper and discovered that using Metformin in the trying process can help you conceive and if you continue taking a low dose through the first 12-14 weeks it can reduce your chance of miscarriage greatly. It has not been proven to be harmful or harmLESS in pregnancy, but could possibly be used throughout a pregnancy to prevent and treat gestational diabetes. More research should be done. Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse here, because I have not discussed with my doctor what will happen when I get pregnant as far as taking the medicine is concerned. Although, I want to take as little as possible while carrying a child.

So, I go Monday to have my fasting insulin levels checked and hopefully I will begin taking Metformin soon. I was talking to my mom about this and losing weight earlier tonight and she said "You can do it." She was talking about losing weight and she reminded me how well I did on the South Beach diet. I didn't want to have to do it that way again. But, it did work and I felt great on it. I went off of it and ate crazy afterward though. Getting your weight under control helps reverse the negative (non-ovulating) effects of PCOS. So, I decided I would get my South Beach diet book back from her and start it next week. Then, I did more research online and discovered that following a low GI diabetic diet and taking Metformin greatly increase your chances of conceiving with PCOS. I have so much hope and I am so excited tonight. Sometimes if you want something badly enough you have to do what it takes to achieve it. Even if it isn't fun.

I will update as I find out more. I am definitely feeling good about our future and adding to our family. Lilly Anna saw a baby on t.v. tonight and said "That's what we want isn't it Mama?" Melts my heart. She knows how much I love her and how much I love and miss Daisy. She knows how much I want another baby and even though she is only 3 years old, she wants that for me. For me to be happy.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Pictures from Daisy's 1st birthday in Heaven.

My sweet Lilly fell asleep on the way to the cemetery.
We made Daisy a 1st birthday cake.
Lilly and I visiting Daisy.
Daddy and Lilly visiting.
Our gift to Daisy for her birthday.

A daisy represents purity.
I never wanted to let you go.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Happy birthday baby girl.

I woke up thinking about Daisy first thing this morning. Today would have been her first birthday. I don't allow myself on a regular basis to think "That's what I should have " when I see a baby around her age. Or "That's what could have or should have been". You just can't live that way. I did that a lot right after losing her. It hurt my heart so badly to see a new baby. I'll always picture her as a baby though. I have never imagined her as a one year old until this morning. I thought upon waking "I could have a one year old toddeling in here right now". It doesn't hurt so badly to see a baby now. I have held them and my heart swells but it also leaps with joy. I want that again soon. I miss that baby smell and the soft skin. I have Lilly Anna and I am so grateful for her! She is a joy and I can't imagine life without her. I want to give her a sister or brother. We have been trying for another baby for almost 6 months now. I have had to truly give that desire to the Lord.

I had it in my heart that I would be expecting again before the one year mark rolled around. When I realized that was unlikely I struggled with disappointment and those desires. It was hard to let that go. It didn't happen. But, we will keep trying and praying that it happens soon.

Lilly came into my room to wake me up this morning and she had two baby dolls with her. She usually only carries one. She has played twins a lot in the last year with babies. But, this morning was different. She said to me "They are sisters". My heart hurt a little. She is only 3 years old and she knows today is her sisters birthday. She never got to meet Daisy. For her the baby was in mommy's tummy and we went to the doc doc as she calls it and then she was gone. For awhile she thought Daisy was still at the doctor, but now she knows although I doubt she understands that the baby is in heaven.

We are making her a special cake today that we will enjoy. My sweet Lilly said that we should save Daisy a piece. She understands we will not see her today so she says we will take her a piece of cake to the cemetery. We also bought three helium filled balloons. I want the three of us to each write a short note to her and release them at the cemetery this afternoon. We do these things, these little traditions for ourselves. Our loved ones are gone therefore we don't do it for them. But, to remember them and honor their memory.

I miss her, but mostly I miss the idea of her. I didn't ever to get to really know her; her personality, the sound of her voice, or what her scent would have smelled like. I wanted a baby. I wanted that baby. But, God had other plans for us. I do believe I was destined to be her mommy. Even before I was born God knew that I would have Daisy and that she would pass along to heaven before I even got to see her. I feel honored to have been chosen to carry her. God had a reason for her life as short as it was. I plan to do everything in my power to honor it and do my best to carry out that plan.

It's amazing how much we forget. I was reading another mother's blog who lost her baby too soon also. She had so many details written that after one year has passed I do not remember. Like the statics of her survival. I didn't want to remember or except those things though. The important things I will never forget. Like the love I felt for her in my heart, the way it felt when she had the hiccups, how I craved Sprite my entire pregnancy with her, the way she looked, or the pain I felt when I was told I would never get to meet her. I'll also never forget the Hope I had that I would get to meet her or the Faith I had that she would be healed.

I struggled after losing her. I did feel let down by God. I never doubted His existence, but I could not understand why she would have been created to only live inside of me for 36 weeks. I still wonder why sometimes. But, I know I will not know exactly why possibly ever. I do know that one baby girl is here today on Earth because of Daisy's story. Her mommy was told she had Hydrocephalus while she was still in her womb. She was not given Hope by her doctors. She had to decide whether or not to carry on with her pregnancy. After talking with me on the phone, although we'd never met, she decided to keep that baby. She choice life for her, because I could honestly say that I NEVER regretted my decision to give Daisy a chance at life. That baby girl is 6 months old now and she has brought so much joy into her family's life. She will have a quality of life even though her doctors told her she would not have one.

I am about to get ready to head to McRae where I will celebrate the life of my baby girl Daisy. It was short, but she will be remembered forever by us. I can't wait to meet her face to face in heaven one day. Until then I will give all of this love I have for her built up inside of me to her Daddy, sister and future sibling. I pray Daisy's story touches many more lives and saves many more babies.

Until then my Love.

Monday, January 25, 2010

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Listening to the rain...thinking about Daisy.

So, here I sit listening to the rain outside the window. Lilly Anna, my 3 year old daughter is snug as a bug in her bed watching The Little Mermaid (which was a childhood favorite of mine). I was inspired by a blogger I found online ( Carly Marie Dudley at http://namesinthesand.net/ )to start a blog. Her blog spoke to me and made me want to do things and help others through my experiences. If I believe that everything happens for a reason then I want Daisy's short life to have a meaning to it. I don't really know where to begin, but here it goes...

I fell madly in love at the young age of 19. I married my husband Cayce after a 9 month long whirlwind of a romance. What was the hurry you say? We had our reasons. This March we will have been married for 7 years. These last 7 years haven't been perfect, but they have been all worth it. I have been asked if I had to do it over again would I have married him when I did and chosen this life. My answer is always a resounding YES! I love my life; most of the time. We did a lot of traveling and had a lot of fun during our pre baby newlywed days. I am glad that we took that time for ourselves, but I could hardly wait to start a family with him. I had always wanted to be a young mother and to have at least 2 children before the age of 30.

So, I was 22 when I conceived my first child. I was over the moon happy! I really enjoyed my pregnancy. Of course I didn't love the nausea in the beginning or the aches and pains and sleepless nights in the end, but there is just something magical about a pregnancy to me. There always has been. I was very excited to find out I was having a girl. I honestly have always pictured myself the mother of 2 or 3 girls. I guess that comes from having only a younger sister growing up and my Grandmother had 3 girls. We know girls! I'm not so sure about boys! LOL

I carried Lilly for 38 weeks and 2 days. My water broke the night before she was born. I labored a long 18 hours with her. But, she was totally worth it! I fell in love with her instantly. She is simply amazing! She was 7 lbs. and 5 oz. and 21 and 1/2 in. long. She was perfect! Now she is 3 years old and talks all of the time! They grow and change so fast!

We were pretty shocked to find out we were expecting again in June 2008. We weren't exactly trying. But, I got used to the idea pretty quickly. It took a little longer for my husband to come around. I wanted to find out as soon as I possibly could what I was having. So, when I found out they were doing free ultrasounds at the ABC Women's Clinic in Dublin I decided to go, because my doctor wouldn't look until I was 20 weeks. I was 18 weeks pregnant and it was that day that my world crumbled. The technician seemed pretty unskilled so I wasn't alarmed when she told me the baby was measuring 3 weeks behind. Her teacher confirmed this by doing the measurements several more times. I explained to them that I had been for a few sonograms already and that couldn't be. I wasn't even 4 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. They told me it was probably nothing but I may want to call my obgyn just to let them know what was going on. So, I did.

I had to stop writing last night and I am picking back up where I left off today.

I called my doctor's office and spoke with the ultrasound tech. and told her what was going on. She said to come in and they would take a quick look. It was pretty obvious as she was doing the sonogram that things didn't look good. She was in a hurry to make sure the doctor hadn't left for the day after a few moments of looking at my scan. He told me it wasn't good. It was just me and Lilly that day at the doctor. No one else was with me. I wanted to find out what I was having and have my husband come home to a room filled with pink or blue balloons. Instead I made a phone call as soon as I was in the parking lot through tears streaming down my face and a huge lump in my throat. The doctor had told me that he thought maybe she had Turner's Syndrome. It can be life threatening but people do go on to live with it. I immediately began researching it. I was relieved to see the many children who are living with it. Unfortunately every time I went to the doctor the news only got worse.

My obgyn sent me to a specialist in Macon and I saw him twice. He was the one to tell me that my baby had Trisomy 13 or 18 and she was incompatible with life. He told me she would probably never live to be born and that if she did she would die within minutes. My world came crashing down before me. I wanted to run away. I felt as though I would die. Here I was going on 25 weeks pregnant with a baby that I loved. I felt her first tiny kicks at 14 weeks. She had the hiccups every day! You are supposed to be able to protect your child. You would give your life for your child! There was nothing I could do and I felt totally helpless. All of sudden knowing what the baby was wasn't so important anymore.

They never could tell me for sure that she was a girl. Two different technicians said if they had to say they would say girl. So, that is what we went with. My fluid levels were always really low with her and they only got lower as time went on. Another byproduct of her condition. She was not excreting urine. I was told that the front portion of her brain never developed. The specialist also told me that my baby did not have eyes, a nose, or a mouth. How do you tell someone that? He compared her mouth to the movie "The Mask"! I suppose he was just preparing me, but it was horrifying to hear. He had made it clear that he thought I should terminate the pregnancy. That was NEVER an option for me. She was a gift from God.

At my next doctors visit with my regular doctor the lady doing the sonogram was showing us her face and she said "and there are her eyelids..." My mom and I looked at one another shocked and happy. We asked her did she see eyes? She seemed confused and we explained what we had been told 2 weeks before. She told was to look and she pointed out the eye sockets and they were plain to see. That was a miracle to me.

On a Wednesday 5 days before I delivered her I went to my doctor because the two days before I noticed I had only felt her move a time or two. My fluid levels at that point were extremely low, but her heartbeat was great. We went ahead and scheduled my induction for the next Monday when I would be 36 weeks and 3 days. The next morning, Thursday, was the last time I felt her move. I felt really sick over the weekend every time I would get up and move about. My nerves were pretty bad at that point. I was scared. Even still I never gave up hope!

I prayed and worshiped my God. So many people were praying for us. I believed for my miracle. I got it in being able to carry her for 36 weeks. Knowing that I could possibly never get to meet her made me cherish every moment I had with her. I wished I could have kept her safe forever, but I couldn't. I talked to her and patted her from within my womb. I fed her good and we soaked in a warm bath almost every night. It was an emotional and overwhelming time. But, I shared so much love with her during that short time.

I was so nervous the night before the delivery. I hardly slept at all though I hadn't been sleeping well for weeks before that. My mother-in-law kept Lilly for us the night before. My mom, sister, step-father, and step-brother met us there that morning at 6 a.m. I was a lot more nervous than I was when I walked in pregnant with my first. The nurse tried to find a heartbeat and couldn't. I tried not to panic, but logically I knew she was already gone. My doctor did a bed side sonogram and confirmed my worst fear. She didn't have a heartbeat. There were many visitors during that time. My labor was progressing very slowly the first 11-12 hours. Finally at 7:19 p.m. she was born. I prayed and asked God to have mercy on me. When my labor was going so long I began to feel a little defeated. Then, the blessing came in the end. I remember the doctor telling me to push and I remember thinking "I can't do this". I was so scared. Scared of what I would see. Scared of truly losing her. I pushed one time and that small baby was born. She weighed only 3 lbs. and 9 oz. and was 16 in.

A little time passed before I was ready to hold her. I was scared to even look at her. When I was ready Cayce laid her on my chest and I remember thinking that the weight of her there was just how it felt when she was in my tummy. She looked different through my eyes, her mother's eye; than she did to the nurses and doctors I am sure. But, to me and her family she was beautiful. She did have a cleft palate, but that could have been fixed. She had eyelids and the cutest tiniest nose I have ever seen. She was so small. She had ten fingers and ten toes. But, she wasn't mine anymore. She was God's. I dedicated Daisy to the Lord a little more than a month before she was born. I felt that I had to give her to God. Let Him know that I knew she was his baby no matter what happened.

Daisy was my little miracle. I honestly cannot imagine my life without her ever being a part of it. I wish I had not had to know the pain of losing a child, but I would do the same thing all over again if I was dealt that hand. I pray I am not. I don't know how my heart could withstand it, but she was worth it all. Lilly Anna with grow up knowing she has a little sister in heaven. We talk about her sometimes now. With the one year anniversary of her birth coming up tomorrow she is heavy on my heart and mind. But, we will survive and we will praise God through the storm.

So this is my first blog on here. It may be a little long. LOL But, I had to cram the whole story into a little space of time. I pray that my words help other moms and family members going through the loss of a child. Maybe I'll meet a few interesting people through this if nothing else. And find healing through sharing my life and my story. Daisy's story.

Daisy's life.

Daisy when she was safe in my tummy.

The First time I held her.
Her tiny hand and feet prints.
Daisy's headstone.
Me visiting my baby.
Fall 2009 Lilly visiting her baby sister for the first time.
Lilly Anna

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