A Mother's Love.

A blog about the love I have in my heart for my two daughters and the desire I have to add to my family again. Lilly Anna here with me on Earth born October 27, 2006 and Daisy Arabella whom I lost to Trisomy 13 or 18 when she was stillborn at 36 weeks and 3 days on January 26, 2009.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Listening to the rain...thinking about Daisy.

So, here I sit listening to the rain outside the window. Lilly Anna, my 3 year old daughter is snug as a bug in her bed watching The Little Mermaid (which was a childhood favorite of mine). I was inspired by a blogger I found online ( Carly Marie Dudley at http://namesinthesand.net/ )to start a blog. Her blog spoke to me and made me want to do things and help others through my experiences. If I believe that everything happens for a reason then I want Daisy's short life to have a meaning to it. I don't really know where to begin, but here it goes...

I fell madly in love at the young age of 19. I married my husband Cayce after a 9 month long whirlwind of a romance. What was the hurry you say? We had our reasons. This March we will have been married for 7 years. These last 7 years haven't been perfect, but they have been all worth it. I have been asked if I had to do it over again would I have married him when I did and chosen this life. My answer is always a resounding YES! I love my life; most of the time. We did a lot of traveling and had a lot of fun during our pre baby newlywed days. I am glad that we took that time for ourselves, but I could hardly wait to start a family with him. I had always wanted to be a young mother and to have at least 2 children before the age of 30.

So, I was 22 when I conceived my first child. I was over the moon happy! I really enjoyed my pregnancy. Of course I didn't love the nausea in the beginning or the aches and pains and sleepless nights in the end, but there is just something magical about a pregnancy to me. There always has been. I was very excited to find out I was having a girl. I honestly have always pictured myself the mother of 2 or 3 girls. I guess that comes from having only a younger sister growing up and my Grandmother had 3 girls. We know girls! I'm not so sure about boys! LOL

I carried Lilly for 38 weeks and 2 days. My water broke the night before she was born. I labored a long 18 hours with her. But, she was totally worth it! I fell in love with her instantly. She is simply amazing! She was 7 lbs. and 5 oz. and 21 and 1/2 in. long. She was perfect! Now she is 3 years old and talks all of the time! They grow and change so fast!

We were pretty shocked to find out we were expecting again in June 2008. We weren't exactly trying. But, I got used to the idea pretty quickly. It took a little longer for my husband to come around. I wanted to find out as soon as I possibly could what I was having. So, when I found out they were doing free ultrasounds at the ABC Women's Clinic in Dublin I decided to go, because my doctor wouldn't look until I was 20 weeks. I was 18 weeks pregnant and it was that day that my world crumbled. The technician seemed pretty unskilled so I wasn't alarmed when she told me the baby was measuring 3 weeks behind. Her teacher confirmed this by doing the measurements several more times. I explained to them that I had been for a few sonograms already and that couldn't be. I wasn't even 4 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. They told me it was probably nothing but I may want to call my obgyn just to let them know what was going on. So, I did.

I had to stop writing last night and I am picking back up where I left off today.

I called my doctor's office and spoke with the ultrasound tech. and told her what was going on. She said to come in and they would take a quick look. It was pretty obvious as she was doing the sonogram that things didn't look good. She was in a hurry to make sure the doctor hadn't left for the day after a few moments of looking at my scan. He told me it wasn't good. It was just me and Lilly that day at the doctor. No one else was with me. I wanted to find out what I was having and have my husband come home to a room filled with pink or blue balloons. Instead I made a phone call as soon as I was in the parking lot through tears streaming down my face and a huge lump in my throat. The doctor had told me that he thought maybe she had Turner's Syndrome. It can be life threatening but people do go on to live with it. I immediately began researching it. I was relieved to see the many children who are living with it. Unfortunately every time I went to the doctor the news only got worse.

My obgyn sent me to a specialist in Macon and I saw him twice. He was the one to tell me that my baby had Trisomy 13 or 18 and she was incompatible with life. He told me she would probably never live to be born and that if she did she would die within minutes. My world came crashing down before me. I wanted to run away. I felt as though I would die. Here I was going on 25 weeks pregnant with a baby that I loved. I felt her first tiny kicks at 14 weeks. She had the hiccups every day! You are supposed to be able to protect your child. You would give your life for your child! There was nothing I could do and I felt totally helpless. All of sudden knowing what the baby was wasn't so important anymore.

They never could tell me for sure that she was a girl. Two different technicians said if they had to say they would say girl. So, that is what we went with. My fluid levels were always really low with her and they only got lower as time went on. Another byproduct of her condition. She was not excreting urine. I was told that the front portion of her brain never developed. The specialist also told me that my baby did not have eyes, a nose, or a mouth. How do you tell someone that? He compared her mouth to the movie "The Mask"! I suppose he was just preparing me, but it was horrifying to hear. He had made it clear that he thought I should terminate the pregnancy. That was NEVER an option for me. She was a gift from God.

At my next doctors visit with my regular doctor the lady doing the sonogram was showing us her face and she said "and there are her eyelids..." My mom and I looked at one another shocked and happy. We asked her did she see eyes? She seemed confused and we explained what we had been told 2 weeks before. She told was to look and she pointed out the eye sockets and they were plain to see. That was a miracle to me.

On a Wednesday 5 days before I delivered her I went to my doctor because the two days before I noticed I had only felt her move a time or two. My fluid levels at that point were extremely low, but her heartbeat was great. We went ahead and scheduled my induction for the next Monday when I would be 36 weeks and 3 days. The next morning, Thursday, was the last time I felt her move. I felt really sick over the weekend every time I would get up and move about. My nerves were pretty bad at that point. I was scared. Even still I never gave up hope!

I prayed and worshiped my God. So many people were praying for us. I believed for my miracle. I got it in being able to carry her for 36 weeks. Knowing that I could possibly never get to meet her made me cherish every moment I had with her. I wished I could have kept her safe forever, but I couldn't. I talked to her and patted her from within my womb. I fed her good and we soaked in a warm bath almost every night. It was an emotional and overwhelming time. But, I shared so much love with her during that short time.

I was so nervous the night before the delivery. I hardly slept at all though I hadn't been sleeping well for weeks before that. My mother-in-law kept Lilly for us the night before. My mom, sister, step-father, and step-brother met us there that morning at 6 a.m. I was a lot more nervous than I was when I walked in pregnant with my first. The nurse tried to find a heartbeat and couldn't. I tried not to panic, but logically I knew she was already gone. My doctor did a bed side sonogram and confirmed my worst fear. She didn't have a heartbeat. There were many visitors during that time. My labor was progressing very slowly the first 11-12 hours. Finally at 7:19 p.m. she was born. I prayed and asked God to have mercy on me. When my labor was going so long I began to feel a little defeated. Then, the blessing came in the end. I remember the doctor telling me to push and I remember thinking "I can't do this". I was so scared. Scared of what I would see. Scared of truly losing her. I pushed one time and that small baby was born. She weighed only 3 lbs. and 9 oz. and was 16 in.

A little time passed before I was ready to hold her. I was scared to even look at her. When I was ready Cayce laid her on my chest and I remember thinking that the weight of her there was just how it felt when she was in my tummy. She looked different through my eyes, her mother's eye; than she did to the nurses and doctors I am sure. But, to me and her family she was beautiful. She did have a cleft palate, but that could have been fixed. She had eyelids and the cutest tiniest nose I have ever seen. She was so small. She had ten fingers and ten toes. But, she wasn't mine anymore. She was God's. I dedicated Daisy to the Lord a little more than a month before she was born. I felt that I had to give her to God. Let Him know that I knew she was his baby no matter what happened.

Daisy was my little miracle. I honestly cannot imagine my life without her ever being a part of it. I wish I had not had to know the pain of losing a child, but I would do the same thing all over again if I was dealt that hand. I pray I am not. I don't know how my heart could withstand it, but she was worth it all. Lilly Anna with grow up knowing she has a little sister in heaven. We talk about her sometimes now. With the one year anniversary of her birth coming up tomorrow she is heavy on my heart and mind. But, we will survive and we will praise God through the storm.

So this is my first blog on here. It may be a little long. LOL But, I had to cram the whole story into a little space of time. I pray that my words help other moms and family members going through the loss of a child. Maybe I'll meet a few interesting people through this if nothing else. And find healing through sharing my life and my story. Daisy's story.


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