A Mother's Love.

A blog about the love I have in my heart for my two daughters and the desire I have to add to my family again. Lilly Anna here with me on Earth born October 27, 2006 and Daisy Arabella whom I lost to Trisomy 13 or 18 when she was stillborn at 36 weeks and 3 days on January 26, 2009.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

As the months tic by...

So we have tried  4 mths. of the Clomid now and last mth. I was running up and down the road to the Fertility Dr. every other day! As hard as it was to decide I needed a break that is what I had to do. We have only 2 more mths. of the Clomid left that we can take and I just wanted to see if maybe I can ovulate on my own before we use all of our mths. up and I keep putting my body through this. Not to mention the emotional side effects of it all. So, many people are expecting right now and in the technology based world we live in I know of people who are pregnant that I otherwise would not have even known about. I am happy for all of them, but it is still oh so hard when you feel like the one thing you want you simply cannot have. And it seems to come so easy to so many. This missing piece of my healing process seems to be hanging in the wind and I am hanging on by a thread most days. I have many friends who have experienced losses as I have and we were a great support system for one another when we were all trying to conceive. Now that most all of them are expecting again and I am still waiting makes it hard. I cannot believe that January will be 2 years since I delivered my angel baby at 36 weeks gestation. I miss her so bad! I want to give my daughter that sibiling that she desires so badly. She will be 4 yrs. old next Wednesday. Boy how times does fly. I hope all of our dreams come true soon. I know I can't "help it" but I feel each mth. that passes I not only am let down but I let Cayce and Lilly Anna down. Not true; I know but it's there in my mind nonetheless. So, until I decide otherwise we are still trying but not like we were. We are taking as many drug free mths. as I need. I am not giving up, but I am trying to change my focus...for now.


  1. I know that taking a break from the meds is not what you want. But, it maybe the break your body needs. I have a friend who was told to take a break from the meds and due to scheduling it was delayed a bit longer. Once she got back on she was pregnants soon after.

    I am praying that you get your wish soon Amber. Really, I am. I know that it is so hard to watch the world around you move on or get what they want while you sit there wondering when will it be me. It is still hard for me to hear of new pregnancies.

  2. Good news Mary! I got my positive ovulation test 2 days earlier than I do when I am on the clomid. I was so happy! So we still have a chance this month! I am now entering the 2 week wait. I won't test unless my period is late. I have also decided to continue ttc without the Clomid unless I stop ovulating on my own again. Thanks for your kind words. I pray all of your wishes and dreams come true as well!

  3. Not sure if you will read this. I hope everything is ok with you and you are holding your rainbow.

    1. I have not been on here in forever! Mary I finally got my rainbow baby Dec 3, 2012! He's a doll. Thank you so much! You were there for me when no one else seemed to understand and was tired of listening.


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