Growing daisies.

I haven't written lately. I have been soooooo busy! Which has been great for me emotionally and physically. I have lost 23 lbs. since I began my weight loss journey almost 7 weeks ago. I am very happy about that. That combined with the Metformin has done the trick and I have had positive OPK's (ovulation predictor tests) 2 months in a row. I have a really good feeling about this month. The test line was actually darker than the control line for the first time! I only tested once and that was enough! If this isn't our month I am okay with that. We are just living life and loving it right now. I miss the baby I thought I should have, but I no longer wear the pain and heart break on my sleeve like I once did. I am moving on. Everyone deals with thinkgs differently and in their own time. I will never forget her or the way she changed me though.

Our 7th wedding anniversary is coming up on the 27th. The day my cycle would be due. Maybe we will get the best anniversary surprise/present ever! More to come on this subject for sure...

My new Salon & Boutique has been open for 2 weeks now & I have done better than I ever expected to do. I have had my moments of doubt during the process. It has all gone by in a whirlwind, because it was spur of the moment and unplanned. It was/is a God thing. I pray my business continues to grow and prosper.

The possibility of being pregnant while just beginning this business journey seems a little daunting. But, we are trusting God to give us a baby when the time is right. He hasn't let us down yet. ;) This is our 8th month of "trying" so we don't want to begin preventing it at this point. We will be over the moon when it happens.

I have made a few awesome new friends within the last few months/weeks and I am finally "growing into my own". I am more comfortable in my own skin and relaxed than I have ever been. If you don't love yourself, then how can anyone else love you? I am loving life. I am looking forward to the Spring weather that is coming in. I am ready to be able to get outside more and enjoy the sunshine. Maybe grow some daisies!

Have a great weekend everyone!

One year and one month ago...

So, here it Feb. 26th. It has been one year and one month since Daisy's sleeping body was born into this Earth. We did not conceive this month. But, with everything positive going on in my life right now I am not dwelling on it. I finally feel okay with it for the first time after more than 6 months of trying and being let down. It will happen when it is time. I admit I didn't always have that outlook and I admit it could change at any time.

I steadily am working on the new location for my salon and boutique. It is a dream come true for me! I am putting a lot of "me" into this shop. I am enjoying being so creative and not holding back as I did with my current location. The doors on the new place are bright pink and I love it! Pink, black and white with a little khaki thrown in are my colors. I am doing leopard and zebra print and it is going to be modern, sexy, and FABULOUS!

I am still operating out of my current location today and tomorrow. We hope to get the floors and owning done this weekend and then get my things moved in. I will do my first clients on Main Street in one week! I can't wait!

Now, for a little about my Lilly. She will be going to work with me 2 days a week for a few hours. I have to get her room at the shop all done up. She is so good! I was blessed with a great daughter. She can play by herself and usually minds very well. =)

She is growing like a weed! The pants and long sleeve shirts that I bought her in the fall are all way to short now. We are ready for Spring so we can break out the new clothes and don't have to buy new Winter things.

That's all I have for now. I pray everyone has a great weekend!

By the Grace of God

I haven't written as much as I had planned to when I first began this blog. I am happy to say that since getting past the one year anniversary of Daisy's birth I have a sense of relief all around me. I don't know if you can understand that if you haven't gone through it. I dreaded that day with every fiber of my being. But, guess what? I made it through it and came out stronger than ever on the other side of it.

I half way expected to fall apart the day after, because I didn't fall apart on her birthday. By God's grace I didn't. I am really happy for the first time in a long time. I had a rough two years or so.

Cayce and I went through a rough patch while I was newly pregnant with Daisy and then I found out about her condition. The next months of carrying her and working out my relationship with my husband were some very trying months. Cayce and I were and are stronger than ever after dealing with the death of our child together. But, the year after her birth and death was a bad year for me. I lost my best friend while dealing with the loss of my baby. Then, it seemed that every other girl friend I had was either pregnant, had just had a baby or was trying to conceive. It killed me inside. Since I am being honest here. ;) I had friends and made friends last year who lost babies or had lost babies. With each new story of a mother losing her child my heart broke. I remembered all of those fresh raw emotions and I went through them again in a way.

I have grown as a woman, mother, wife and friend over the last year. When I finally stopped looking for a "new best friend" God sent me an amazing girl friend with whom I have a lot in common. She was just who I needed/need in my life at this point in time. Remember that God doesn't always bless you the way you expect or want Him to. But, He knows best and I trust Him fully.

I started the Metformin as most of you know. I went up to twice a day yesterday, but I have some GREAT news! I got my first positive Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) last Thursday Feb. 11th. I was thrilled. Although I WAS disappointed because my husband had just left for 3 nights! I thought "Just my luck", but honestly I was too happy that I ovulated or was going to to be upset. There is still a possibility although I believe it is slim. I should know by Feb. 24th-26th.

I really believe changing my diet along with the meds. has helped to begin ovulating again. I could think "Why didn't I do this sooner?" but to be honest I believe it didn't happen because it wasn't the right time. It has taken me quite awhile to get this point of being okay with when it happens it happens. Everyone tells you to relax and it'll happen when you least expect. You think "OKAY YEAH!". It isn't that simple. God has given me this peace and maybe next month will be our month. If not, at least I know my body is getting back on track.

I weighed a few days ago and I had lost 9 lbs. on the first 2 weeks of the diet. I am only weighing once a week now. The weight loss slows after the first 2 weeks and I didn't want to get discouraged so I don't weigh as often. I know it is working. I can tell through my belly most.

So, I have more great news! A blessing that is heaven sent! I have had a small salon in my hometown for 2 years now. I have enjoyed it. I currently only work about 2 days a week and I am able to stay at home with my daughter. My dream has always been to open a boutique one day. Real hip; you know? Then, I got my cosmetology degree and decided that a Salon/Boutique would be amazing! I always visit local boutiques when we go on vacation anywhere and I am so inspired! Long story short, I noticed that the people in a local business on Main Street were moving out the first weekend in Feb. I had looked at the building a few years ago, but it was already spoken for. I found out who owned it and made a call. I begin working on it Feb 16th in the dark and cold with no electricity. I was THAT excited! I should be moved in by March 1st. I have a little bit of time to do a WHOLE lot of work!

It came at just the right time. A month earlier or later and we would not have been able to do it financially. That is how I know it was sent straight from God and in His plan. I am not stressed, because of that. I am still doing hair at my little shop while I get Amber's Hair Salon & Boutique ready to open very soon! If God is for me then who can be against me.

So, I will be out working more and loving every minute of it! The best part is Lilly can go with me and Cayce can get her when he gets home from work. Plus, my wonderful mother-in-law keeps her on Thursday evenings and on Friday for me. While Cayce keeps her on Saturday mornings. If I had been expecting again already; like I had wanted, then I wouldn't be opening up this new shop now. That's how I know God has a plan. It just took some time for it to unfold. I had to trust Him. I never stopped loving Him, but sometime it is hard to trust.

I hope you can begin trusting God today with your life if you haven't been doing so fully lately. Have a blessed day, Amber

I have been super busy.

I know I need to post a new blog soon. I have been super busy the last week! I have some great news to share, but not just yet. I did begin taking the Met. last Thursday. My glucose levels and thyroid were perfect, but my insulin resistance was on the high side. ( Another marker for PCOS) So, I guess I have been diagnosed with it at this point. I pray the Metformin starts doing it's job soon. It seems to be helping already. Along with the diet I am doing. I have lost 7lbs. so far. So, I am getting ready for whatever God may have in store for me. I want to be as healthy as possible for this journey called life.

To be continued....

The next step in trying to conceive.

So, I went to see my obgyn this morning, because my cycles are no where near being normal after 6 months of trying. I have let go of the "plan" to be pregnant before Daisy's 1st birthday as that has already passed. Now I just want to be expecting again as soon as my body is possibly ready. I was in such a hurry a few months back for it. I honestly didn't think it would take us long at all to conceive. In my mind 3 months top and I'd have a baby on the way. I seem much more patient with the process now that the anniversary is over. I guess that was my goal and I wanted it so badly. I was disappointed when it didn't happen. Now, I have more peace and I can go with the flow. That being said I am happy that my doctor is willing to do some tests and get things going. In the mean time I plan to take better care of myself and try to get some more of the weight off.

After Lilly was born I breastfed and I really didn't have to try that hard to lose the weight I gained. By her first birthday I had lost 40 of the 6olbs. I put on. I know I said 60 POUNDS! So when I conceived Daisy I was 20 lbs. heavier than when I conceived Lilly Anna. I gained 40 lbs. with her putting me around the same weight at the time of the birth. I lost between 20 and 25 pounds by the Spring of 2009 and since then over the holidays and with the stress of trying to get pregnant and her impending birthday I have gained some weight back. Not what I need to be doing! So now I want to drink more water, take my multivitamin every day and exercise. I want to be healthy and have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

In the meantime I will continue trying to conceive and hopefully soon I will be taking Metformin; a drug that is used in patients with PCOS to help make them ovulate. I would LOVE to be expecting again by March so I could have a 2010 baby, but I won't hold my breath on that one. I guess if I stop giving myself dates to be pregnant by I will possibly be more relaxed.

People tell me all of the time "You are still so young though". Yes, I am. Sort of. I will be at least 27 before I have another baby and that isn't too young. I have always wanted to be through having babies by the time I am 30. Plus Lilly Anna with be 4 this year and I don't want my children too far apart. Besides it's a desire I have. A strong and real and understandable one. Even though our second child was not planned like Lilly was I still wanted and loved her. I was on board with the pregnancy from the moment I knew I was expecting. Sure, I was a little shocked, but then I got over it.

I miss Daisy. I miss that new baby smell that I never got to experience with her. I miss kissing the little toes and feeding my baby. I miss all of the newborn stuff. I missed out on all of that with her. But, knowing that I would possibly never get to meet her did make me stop and enjoy the pregnancy more. At the same time it made it harder because of the emotional strain of "knowing" and "not knowing" what my future held with her. I enjoyed her kicks and hiccups more, but I also often felt like a "ticking time bomb". I know that sounds horrible, but I remember feeling that way and even saying that. I didn't know how long she would survive in me. I didn't know how long I had with her. The hope and faith inside of me said she would be okay. It told me no matter what I would be okay. I truly had faith for her healing. My mind on the other hand knew that I would probably never get to meet her. That being said I never gave up. I just had to be realistic and as prepared as possible for what the future held.

I took a break from writing and in the meantime I did some research on Metformin also known as Glucophage and PCOS. Doing this sort of research on the internet can be helpful and insightful or scary and unproductive. At first I was scared to learn that patients with PCOS have a lot higher rate of miscarriage. Although I have never had a miscarriage I do not want to go through one. I dug deeper and discovered that using Metformin in the trying process can help you conceive and if you continue taking a low dose through the first 12-14 weeks it can reduce your chance of miscarriage greatly. It has not been proven to be harmful or harmLESS in pregnancy, but could possibly be used throughout a pregnancy to prevent and treat gestational diabetes. More research should be done. Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse here, because I have not discussed with my doctor what will happen when I get pregnant as far as taking the medicine is concerned. Although, I want to take as little as possible while carrying a child.

So, I go Monday to have my fasting insulin levels checked and hopefully I will begin taking Metformin soon. I was talking to my mom about this and losing weight earlier tonight and she said "You can do it." She was talking about losing weight and she reminded me how well I did on the South Beach diet. I didn't want to have to do it that way again. But, it did work and I felt great on it. I went off of it and ate crazy afterward though. Getting your weight under control helps reverse the negative (non-ovulating) effects of PCOS. So, I decided I would get my South Beach diet book back from her and start it next week. Then, I did more research online and discovered that following a low GI diabetic diet and taking Metformin greatly increase your chances of conceiving with PCOS. I have so much hope and I am so excited tonight. Sometimes if you want something badly enough you have to do what it takes to achieve it. Even if it isn't fun.

I will update as I find out more. I am definitely feeling good about our future and adding to our family. Lilly Anna saw a baby on t.v. tonight and said "That's what we want isn't it Mama?" Melts my heart. She knows how much I love her and how much I love and miss Daisy. She knows how much I want another baby and even though she is only 3 years old, she wants that for me. For me to be happy.

Pictures from Daisy's 1st birthday in Heaven.

My sweet Lilly fell asleep on the way to the cemetery.
We made Daisy a 1st birthday cake.
Lilly and I visiting Daisy.
Daddy and Lilly visiting.
Our gift to Daisy for her birthday.

A daisy represents purity.
Innocence.
I never wanted to let you go.

Happy birthday baby girl.

I woke up thinking about Daisy first thing this morning. Today would have been her first birthday. I don't allow myself on a regular basis to think "That's what I should have " when I see a baby around her age. Or "That's what could have or should have been". You just can't live that way. I did that a lot right after losing her. It hurt my heart so badly to see a new baby. I'll always picture her as a baby though. I have never imagined her as a one year old until this morning. I thought upon waking "I could have a one year old toddeling in here right now". It doesn't hurt so badly to see a baby now. I have held them and my heart swells but it also leaps with joy. I want that again soon. I miss that baby smell and the soft skin. I have Lilly Anna and I am so grateful for her! She is a joy and I can't imagine life without her. I want to give her a sister or brother. We have been trying for another baby for almost 6 months now. I have had to truly give that desire to the Lord.

I had it in my heart that I would be expecting again before the one year mark rolled around. When I realized that was unlikely I struggled with disappointment and those desires. It was hard to let that go. It didn't happen. But, we will keep trying and praying that it happens soon.

Lilly came into my room to wake me up this morning and she had two baby dolls with her. She usually only carries one. She has played twins a lot in the last year with babies. But, this morning was different. She said to me "They are sisters". My heart hurt a little. She is only 3 years old and she knows today is her sisters birthday. She never got to meet Daisy. For her the baby was in mommy's tummy and we went to the doc doc as she calls it and then she was gone. For awhile she thought Daisy was still at the doctor, but now she knows although I doubt she understands that the baby is in heaven.

We are making her a special cake today that we will enjoy. My sweet Lilly said that we should save Daisy a piece. She understands we will not see her today so she says we will take her a piece of cake to the cemetery. We also bought three helium filled balloons. I want the three of us to each write a short note to her and release them at the cemetery this afternoon. We do these things, these little traditions for ourselves. Our loved ones are gone therefore we don't do it for them. But, to remember them and honor their memory.

I miss her, but mostly I miss the idea of her. I didn't ever to get to really know her; her personality, the sound of her voice, or what her scent would have smelled like. I wanted a baby. I wanted that baby. But, God had other plans for us. I do believe I was destined to be her mommy. Even before I was born God knew that I would have Daisy and that she would pass along to heaven before I even got to see her. I feel honored to have been chosen to carry her. God had a reason for her life as short as it was. I plan to do everything in my power to honor it and do my best to carry out that plan.

It's amazing how much we forget. I was reading another mother's blog who lost her baby too soon also. She had so many details written that after one year has passed I do not remember. Like the statics of her survival. I didn't want to remember or except those things though. The important things I will never forget. Like the love I felt for her in my heart, the way it felt when she had the hiccups, how I craved Sprite my entire pregnancy with her, the way she looked, or the pain I felt when I was told I would never get to meet her. I'll also never forget the Hope I had that I would get to meet her or the Faith I had that she would be healed.

I struggled after losing her. I did feel let down by God. I never doubted His existence, but I could not understand why she would have been created to only live inside of me for 36 weeks. I still wonder why sometimes. But, I know I will not know exactly why possibly ever. I do know that one baby girl is here today on Earth because of Daisy's story. Her mommy was told she had Hydrocephalus while she was still in her womb. She was not given Hope by her doctors. She had to decide whether or not to carry on with her pregnancy. After talking with me on the phone, although we'd never met, she decided to keep that baby. She choice life for her, because I could honestly say that I NEVER regretted my decision to give Daisy a chance at life. That baby girl is 6 months old now and she has brought so much joy into her family's life. She will have a quality of life even though her doctors told her she would not have one.

I am about to get ready to head to McRae where I will celebrate the life of my baby girl Daisy. It was short, but she will be remembered forever by us. I can't wait to meet her face to face in heaven one day. Until then I will give all of this love I have for her built up inside of me to her Daddy, sister and future sibling. I pray Daisy's story touches many more lives and saves many more babies.

Until then my Love.