As the months tic by...

So we have tried  4 mths. of the Clomid now and last mth. I was running up and down the road to the Fertility Dr. every other day! As hard as it was to decide I needed a break that is what I had to do. We have only 2 more mths. of the Clomid left that we can take and I just wanted to see if maybe I can ovulate on my own before we use all of our mths. up and I keep putting my body through this. Not to mention the emotional side effects of it all. So, many people are expecting right now and in the technology based world we live in I know of people who are pregnant that I otherwise would not have even known about. I am happy for all of them, but it is still oh so hard when you feel like the one thing you want you simply cannot have. And it seems to come so easy to so many. This missing piece of my healing process seems to be hanging in the wind and I am hanging on by a thread most days. I have many friends who have experienced losses as I have and we were a great support system for one another when we were all trying to conceive. Now that most all of them are expecting again and I am still waiting makes it hard. I cannot believe that January will be 2 years since I delivered my angel baby at 36 weeks gestation. I miss her so bad! I want to give my daughter that sibiling that she desires so badly. She will be 4 yrs. old next Wednesday. Boy how times does fly. I hope all of our dreams come true soon. I know I can't "help it" but I feel each mth. that passes I not only am let down but I let Cayce and Lilly Anna down. Not true; I know but it's there in my mind nonetheless. So, until I decide otherwise we are still trying but not like we were. We are taking as many drug free mths. as I need. I am not giving up, but I am trying to change my focus...for now.

A year of ttc

I am trying to be okay, but emotionally I am not feeling so great. I told myself I wouldn't be sad if we had another negative month, but is that even possible to ask that of myself? This was our second month on Clomid. I just knew I'd be pregnant again by now. It has been over a year and half since I gave birth to Daisy now and we have been trying to get pregnant again since August of 2009 so now we have been trying a whole year. I never thought my womb would still be empty at this point and it is something that I want again so bad! I have gotten pregnant and carried 2 babies almost to term both times. Why is not happening now? I know everyone says God is in control and I know He is. But, He knows the desires of my heart too right? I am trying to be patient, but it isn't always easy. Clomid has been a very rough drug for me to take. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally not me while on it. I am a wreck. I think we are going to try it one more month and then I have to have a month off of it trying. I just don't know how long I can continue putting myself through the side effects I have on this medicine. I don't know what other options I have, but I am thinking about asking my dr. Thank you all for your prayers. I am ready and waiting. I wanted to be pregnant again by Daisy's first birthday so badly and now I just want to be pregnant again by her second and I am realizing that may not happen. So, why put the pressure on myself? I cannot help it.

Pictures that go with the post below

I appologize for the sideways pictures. I am a little computer challenged sometimes. LOL Daisy's newest flowers and little figurine I bought for her.

Lilly at the Atlanta Zoo May 2010.The pink baby shoe on the ledge. See the glow!? It was in the shade.

Daisy's name I wrote in the sand at the river on the sandbar.

Then, I saw the upside rainbow. :)

I wish I had had the camera with me when we saw the butterfly, but I didn't because of the rain showers that kept popping up.

Butterflies, Rainbows & Baby Shoes

So, I meant to write a few weeks ago after out River trip. I am only now finding the time to get my thoughts and experiences out. I don't know if you believe in "signs" from God, but I do. If you don't keep reading and you may find that someday God speaks to you through something on this Earth. First, we went to Atlanta last month and we took Lilly Anna (our 3 and 1/2 year old daughter) to the Atl. Zoo. As we were passing the exhibit where the gorillas were I noticed a tiny pink baby shoe on the ledge. I looked closer and it was a Gymboree shoe with tiny white daisies all over it. It instantly pulled at my heart. I kept looking at it. We were walking away and I wanted to photograph this moment; this shoe...so badly. I stopped and went back to take a picture of the pink baby shoe... on the ledge... at the zoo... with the daisies on it. LOL I could not get a picture to where you could she the daisies. Light shown all around it in the pictures. In reality the light wasn't shining directly on it. It was heavenly. I know what some people are thinking...it was a shoe on a ledge! Someone dropped it. Probably true, but it happened on that day and I walked by and seen it and it warmed my heart and made me think of my baby angel. So, there. ;)

Okay fast forward 2 weekends later...we are at the river and the weather was crazy this day! Storms kept popping up and we would have to go back in doors. We were outside on the sand bar after and before another good rain when I looked up towards the sun and saw an upside rainbow!!! Like a smiley face! I have never seen such. I took a picture because I thought it was cool. Later that afternoon we were fishing in the boat when I noticed a baby (tiny) orange butterfly (smaller than any one I have ever seen) hanging around the boat. I thought "how pretty" and nothing more. 10 or 15 minutes later I noticed it was still in our boat! I was telling Cayce about it because at this point I was getting a little emotional after all of the signs I had seen the last few weeks. Oh and I forgot to mention I had written Daisy's name in the sand before I saw the rainbow. So, the butterfly lands on my foot as I am telling my husband to look and then on my other foot. She is sitting right on top of my "daisy" tattoo on my foot. Then she lands on Lilly's foot which evokes a giggle from her and a smile and tear from me. I ended up holding my hand out towards this butterfly palm up and she landed in my palm immediately! I watched as this butterfly took her (mouth I guess...the long thing they suck pollen out of flowers with) and kiss my hand repeatedly! We have been in butterfly houses where you can't get a butterfly to land on you and here on this river in this boat this lone tiny beautiful butterfly does this. I was very emotional and happy. It was a "moment" for sure. I wanted to get that out there and share it. Let it warm your heart if it will. Look for your own signs from above or if nothing else maybe stop and enjoy God's beauty a little more often.

I will try to upload images later as it won't allow me to right now. :(

I miss you.

Missing my Daisy tonight. Ready to see those 2 pink lines and feel those little belly flutters again.

Spread the love.

I saw this blogspot on a friend's Facebook page and I decided to share a text message I sent to my Grandmother on May 17th.

In my eyes you are an angel.

You have taught me what it's like to love with your whole heart.

You have taught me what it is like to put others before yourself.

You have shown me what the perfect example of a loving wife, mother, and Grandmother is.

You have a beautiful heart.

I admire you and I strive to live my life as you have lived your's.

I find you inspiring and I often tell Lilly (my daughter) and Cayce (my husband)that I think you hung the moon.

I love you so much!

I didn't ever really get a chance to write in your Mother's Day card, but this is what it would have said.

Much much love, Amber

Until then...

Doesn't know where to start...

I have been happy, truly happy the last few months. I love my new job. I know how blessed I am to have this oppurtunity and new space. But, I am feeling rather "blah" the last few days to a week. I am hoping it is just this cold or allergies that I am batteling. I am so congested. That makes for feeling bad. But, I feel a little disconnected. Disconnected from everyone really.

Enough about that... So we didn't conceive in March or April but my cycles have gotten shorter and are getting more on track. I was looking for ovulation later in my cycle in April and it happened earlier. So, we will keep on keeping on. I am really ok with it. It is still hard sometimes to see people/friends with their baby bumps or their new baby or toddler that would be Daisy's age. I cannot believe she'd be a year and 3 months old already! Time has certainly helped to heal that wound, but my heart still aches. I still want to fill that nursery in the back of the house. I want to hold and to feed and kiss my baby again. When the time comes we will be over the moon happy to see a positive pregnancy test and to hear that heartbeat again. :)Until then I try to stay patient and wait.

Mother's Day is this coming Sunday. We will be going to my Grandmother's to have lunch and I look forward to going to see Daisy and to take her the sleeping baby angel statue that I bought. I love it. The baby is so peaceful and perfect. She was born after she had already gone to heaven. That seems so backwards. But, I like knowing she went peacefully. I believe she never hurt. One day Jesus we will see her again. What a glorious day that will be. Until then, we live our lives serving the Lord and taking care of our other child/ren the best we can.

On another note...I have lost 30 lbs. since I began my weightloss journey in Feb. =) Let Summer bring it on! LOL I am so ready to take Lilly to the beach. She loves it as much as I do!